Dude Vs Wild

A Brief History of Pretty Much Everything

2012 Honda Civic "Ninja"

I'm a ninja I'M A HOODIE NINJA!!!

Challenge Accepted | Old Spice

BRING IT FABIO!!! BECAUSE I WILL BE BRINGING ME! The old spice guy is back! 

Threw It On the Ground

Um... I can not BELIEVE he threw a perfectly great hot dog on the ground like that! MY DAD IS NOT A PHONE!!! DUHHH!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE GROUND!!! Warning: I counted two cuss words and the end is kinda stupid, then again so is the whole video, and the tune is semi catchy. 

Field of Dreams 2 With Taylor Lautner

Friday Lyrics Analyzed with Rebecca Black

Friday Lyrics Analyzed with Rebecca Black
Check out the link above. I couldn't upload it for some reason, ARG!!!

Amy Winehouse has DIED!

LONDON — Amy Winehouse the beehived soul-jazz diva whose self-destructive habits overshadowed a distinctive musical talent, was found dead Saturday (July 23) in her London home, police said. She was 27.

Song of the Day -Results week 4

I Try by Macy Gray	2 (50%)
Just Can't Get Enough by Black Eyed Peas	0 (0%)
Dance With My Father by Luther Vandross	3 (75%)
Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson	1 (25%)
Imagine by John Lenon	3 (75%)
I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston	1 (25%)
Sitting on the Dock of the Bay by Otis Redding	2 (50%)

The Serious Baby (Funny)

Cat Mom Hugs Baby Kitten

474 Things To Do When You're Bored

474 Things To Do When You're Bored

- Wax the ceiling - Rearrange political campaign signs - Sharpen your teeth - Play Houdini with one of your siblings - Braid your dog's hair - Clean and polish your belly button - Water your dog...see if he grows - Wash a tree - Knight yourself - Name your child Edsel - Scare Stephen King - Give your cat a mohawk - Purr - Mow your carpet - Play Pat Boone records backwards - Vacuum your lawn - Sleep on a bed of nails - DON'T toss and turn - Boil ice cream - Run around in squares - Think of quadruple entendres - Speak in acronyms - Have your pillow X-rayed - Drink straight shots...of water - Calmly have a nervous breakdown - Give your goldfish a perm - Fly a brick - Play tag...on West 35th Street - Exorcise a ghost - Exercise a ghost - Be blue - Be red - But don't be orange - Plant a shoe - Sweat - Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil - Turn - Write a letter to Plato - Mail it - Take your sofa for a walk - Start - Stop - Dial 911 and breathe heavily - Go to a funeral...tell jokes - Play the piano...with mittens on - Scheme - Sit - Stay - Water your family room - Cause a power failure - Roll over - Play dead - Find a witch - Burn her - Donate your brother's body to science - Ask why - Wriggle - Regress - Sleepwalk without sleeping - Try to join Hell's Angels by mail - Wonder - Be a square root - Ask stupid questions - Weld your car doors shut - Spew - Vacation at Three-Mile Island - Surf Ohio - Teach your pet rock to play dead - Go bowling for small game - Be a monk...for a day - Wear a sweatband to your wedding - Staple - Run away - Intimidate a piece of chalk - Abuse the plumbing - Bend a florescent light - Bend a brick - Annoy total strangers - Let the best man win - Believe in Santa Claus - Throw marshmallows against the wall - Hold an ice cube as long as possible - Adopt strange mannerisms - Blow up a balloon until it pops - Sing soft and sweet and clear - Sing loud and sour and gravely - Open everything - Balance a pencil on your nose - Pour milk in your shoes - Write graffiti under the rug - Embarrass yourself - Grind your teeth - Chew ice - Count your belly button - Sit in a row - Stack crumbs - Gesture - Save your toenail clippings - Make a pass at your blender - Punt - Make up words that start with X - Make oatmeal in the bathtub - Search for the Lost Chord - Chew on a sofa cushion - Sing a duet - Balance a pillow on your head - Hold your breath - Faint - Stretch - Flash your mailman - Teach your TA English - Learn to speak Farsi - Swear in Russian - Use an eraser until it goes away - Disassemble your car - Put it together inside out - Record your walls - Interview your feet - Make a list of your favorite fungi - Sell formaldehyde - Repeat - Ad lib - Fade - File your teeth

- Whine - Rake your carpet - Re-elect Richard Nixon - Critique "Three's Company" - Listen to a painting - Play with matches - Buff your cat - Race ferrets - Paint your house...Day-Glow Orange - Have a formal dinner at White Castle - Read Homer in the original Greek - Learn Greek - Change your mind - Change it back - Watch the sun...see if it moves - Build a pyramid - Stand on your head - Stand on someone else's head - Spit shine your Nikes - See how long you can stay awake - See how long you can sleep - Paint your teeth - Wear a salad - Speak with a forked tongue - Paint stripes on a lake - Ski Kansas - Sleep in freefall - Kill a Joule - Test thin ice...with a pogo stick - Apply for a unicorn hunting license - Do a good job - Crawl - Invite the Mansons over for dinner - Paint your windows - Watch a watch until it stops - Flash your goldfish - Paint - Flirt with an evergreen - Smile - Rotate your garden...daily - Paint a smile - Shoot a fire hydrant - Apologize to it - Pretend you're blind - Annoy yourself - Get mad at yourself - Stop speaking to yourself - Be a side effect - Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley - Duck - Redecorate...your garage - Develop a complex - Join the Army...be someone simple - Try harder - Hit the deck - Put leg-warmers on your furniture - Cut the deck - Crumple - Translate Shakespeare into English - Skydive to church - Cheer up a potato - Do aerobic exercises...in your head - Play cards with your swimming pool - Pinstripe your driveway - Play Kick the Fire Hydrant - Harness chipmunk power - Build a house with ice cubes - Call London for a cab - Mug a stop sign - Change your name...daily - Go for a walk in your attic - Challenge your neighbor to a duel - Build a house out of toothpicks - Howl - Wear a lampshade on your head - Memorize the dictionary - Stomp grapes in the bathtub - Find a bug and chase it - Make yourself a pair of wings - Be immobile - Dance 'til you drop - Check under chairs for chewing gum - Squish a loaf of bread - Moo - Bounce a potato - Outmaneuver your shadow - Climb the walls - Appreciate everything - Challenge yourself to a duel - Make napalm - Tattoo your dresser - Watch a bowling ball - Buy some diapers - Eat everything - Begin - Pour milk in the sink - Make cottage cheese - Tie-dye your sheets - Carpet your ceiling - Hold your earlobes - Fold your earlobes - Flap - Squawk - Read tea leaves - Analyze the Koran - Be Buddha - Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize - Plug in the cat - Turn on everything - Drop pebbles down the chimney - Turn off your neighbor - Kill a plant - Buy a 1931 Almanac - Memorize the weather section - Think lewd thoughts about yourself - Blow bubbles - Send chills down your spine - Peel grapes - Make paper from the skins - Bloat - Catch them with your radiator - Get run over by a train of thought - Make up famous sayings - Bite your pinkie

- Get your dog braces - Shave a shrub - Have a proton fight - Watch a car rust - Quiver - Rotate your carpet - Learn to type...with your toes - Set up your Christmas tree in April - Be someone special - Buy the Brooklyn Bridge - Mail it to a friend - Go back to square one - Factor your social security number - Take the fifth - Memorize a series of random numbers - Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages - Join the Foreign Legion - Learn Sanskrit - Exist...existentially, of course - Print counterfeit Confederate money - Kick a cabbage - Take a picture - Put it back - Sandpaper a mushroom - Play solitaire...for cash - Abuse your patio furniture - Run for Pope - Count to a million...fast - Make a schematic drawing...of a rock - Commit seppuku...with a paper knife - Revert - Think shallow thoughts - Starch your shoes - Polish your Calvin's - Contemplate a cockroach - Get a dog to chase your car - Let him catch it - Investigate the Czar - Form a political party - Climb a sidewalk - Have a political party - Get diagonal...with a good friend - Ride a loaf of bread - Sharpen a carrot - Interrogate a gerbil - Go bow hunting for Toyotas - Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids - Jump back - Play to lose - Scalp a street light - Have your car painted...plaid - Read a tomato - Sharpen your sleeping skills - Watch a game show...take notes - Put out a fire - If you can't find a fire, make one - Interview a cloud - Play tiddlywinks...go for blood - Play basketball...in a minefield - Don't talk to things - Draw Lewis structures on your ceiling - Have your cat bronzed - Have your gerbil gilded - Write books about writing books - Create random equations - Mispell words - Tell your feet a joke - Throw a tomato into a fan - Sing the ABC song backwards - Pretend you're a dog - Dial-a-prayer and argue with it - Grease the doorknobs - String up a room - Stack furniture - Relive fond memories - Tie your shoelaces together - Gargle - Count your teeth with your tongue - Decay - Find your half-life - Design a better toilet seat - Shred a newspaper - Have a headache - Scratch - Sniff - Hatch an egg - Play air guitar - Act profound - Spill - Spell - Stare - Truncate - Slouch - Develop hearing problems - Put your feet behind your head - Tie bows in everything - Hold your hand - Watch the minute hand move - Grow your fingernails - Pretend you're a telephone - Ring - Radiate - Skip - Play hopscotch...with real scotch - Clock the velocity of your REMs - Put your shoes on the opposite feet - Cross your toes - Roll your tongue - Crystallize - Baby oil the floor - Hide - Attack innocent bunnies - Declare war - Destroy a tree - Hide the scrabble bag - Seduce your stick shift - Wink - Memorize the periodic table - Mummify - Pretend you're a roadie - Buy a Ginsu knife - Collect electrons - Correct typos that aren't there - Polish your neck...use Pledge

- Recopy the Bible substituting your name for God - Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car - Drop your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet - Count the bags under Walter Mondale's eyes - Unscrew all the lightbulbs and rearrange the furniture - Found the Jim Jones School of Bartending - Listen for non-satanic messages (i.e. "Drink milk") - Dress like Motley Crue...surprise your grandmother - Dial-a-Prayer and tell them they're wrong - Go into a bar and ask for a Molotov Cocktail - Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire - Make a drive-in window at your local bank where there wasn't one before - Walk on water...but don't get caught - Confess to a crime...that didn't happen - Be in the wrong place at the right time - Plot the overthrow of your local School Board - Request covert assistance from the CIA - Discover the source of the Mississippi - Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska - Hot wax the bottom of your brother's dress shoes - Preach the philosophy of Marx...Groucho, that is - Drink as much prune juice as you can - Write a book about your previous life - Serve ping-pong balls...as hors d'oeuvres - Jump up and down...on your alarm clock - Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins - Sterilize your stereo...with Jack Daniels - Carve you and your girlfriend's initials...in a marshmallow - Drive the speed limit...in your garage - Sing the national anthem...during your calculus final - Wear a three-piece suit...in a sauna - Pay off the national debt...with a bad check - Go to a cemetary and verbally abuse dead people - Give yourself a hernia...for Christmas - Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes - Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster - See if you really can build a nuclear device in your own basement - Go to McDonald's and pretend you can't speak English - Write to your congressmen, senators, President, etc. to tell them what a good - job they're doing...On April 1st - Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor - Take apart all your major kitchen appliances...mix and match them - Turn your TV picture tube upside down - Phone in a death threat on President Kennedy - Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets - Carry a tune...drop it, see if it breaks - Be planar...but don't tell your parents - Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck - Make a deal with the devil...but keep your fingers crossed - Put instant concrete in your big brother's waterbed - Give a lecture on the historical significance of cream cheese - Debate politics with a fern - See how small you can scrunch your face

- Sell firewood door to door...in Atlantis - Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization) - Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation - Raise professional certified racing turnips - Give your grandmother a raise and another day of paid vacation - Lead an aerobics class...for patients of the I.C.U. - Go to a drive-in movie in a tank - Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway - Send President Reagan an alarm clock...wind it up first - Found a cockroach stable and stud ranch - Send your goldfish to obedience school - Free the oppressed toasters of America - Weave a tablecloth out of copper tubing - Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave - Park your car...with a friend - Park your car...with a group of friends - Frame your first statement of bankruptcy - Place it on the wall of your office - Solve the population problem (x^2 + y^2 = population...solve for x) - Contribute to the population problem - Wear a T-shirt that says "I'll walk on you to see The Who" and a peace sign - Practice the Aztec method of heart removal on your professor - Find out who made the super glue commercials and give them your Ginsu knife - Get Ronco and K-tel to merge...they sell the same stuff anyway - Sneak into a nuclear physics lab and stay the night - Play with anything that looks interesting - Drop piston engines on two people and see who squishes first - See if your goldfish can live in Coors rather than water - Try to ignite water...the Mississippi might work - Draw Venn diagrams...screw them up - State fallacies as fact (like, "peanuts grow on bushes") - Visit the Architecture building...loudly criticize its design - Make a schematic drawing...of a rock - Wallpaper your laundry room...with pages from books you don't like - See if diamonds really do cut glass...on everything in your neighbor's house - Tenderize your tongue...chew on it for a while - See how long you can stare at a fluorescent light...try green - Bronze your sister's turtle - See how long it takes for her to notice - See what she does when she notices - Bronze your sister- If you lose, stop watering it and try again. - Increase your territorial holdings by force - Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat - Boldly go where no man has gone before - Be a threat to the American way of life - Do research into the cause of World War III - Be a threat to the Northwestern Tibetan way of life - Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Pittsburgh

Why?! Cigarettes

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Combover or Toup?

The following is provided by Huffpost Entertainment:
|It's long been a mystery, how Trump manages to create the unique coif that is half combover, half Davy Crockett cap. In an effort to somehow expand his profile, he's finally revealed his hair care secrets, giving an overview of the long process to Rolling Stone.
"OK, what I do is, wash it with Head and Shoulders. I don't dry it, though. I let it dry by itself," Trump said. "It takes about an hour. Then I read papers and things... I also watch TV. I love Fox, I like Morning Joe, I like that the Today show did a beautiful piece on me yesterday — I mean, relatively speaking."
So, first few steps: shampooing, air drying, and reading about himself. Check.
"OK, so I've done all that. I then comb my hair. Yes, I do use a comb," he confirms. "Do I comb it forward? No, I don't comb it forward. I actually don't have a bad hairline. When you think about it, it's not bad. I mean, I get a lot of credit for comb-overs. But it's not really a comb-over. It's sort of a little bit forward and back. I've combed it the same way for years. Same thing, every time."
So, as it turns out, that's just the way his hair is. It's no special effort to get its unique shape -- but then, a rare lack of vanity prevents him from changing it, despite the decades of catcalls.|

The Middle Wife

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell so I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is
Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my
camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like
the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop!
My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her
legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Riddle of the day - July 17, 2011

I was born in the 18th century, yet live on today. Appearing on TV when I have something to say. Called everything from "honest" to a dirty rotten "crook", I used to wear a wig, but I have had several looks.  I've always had a party, but never disturb the neighbors. I've been shot at many times - major stories for the papers. What am I?

No Cheating! Play fair! Comment below if you think you know the answer!

Who Said It- In my ideal world,

How To Play:

I give you a quote from a movie and you guess who said it. Either the name of the actor or the name of the character.

Rules:

No cheating. Using Google search engine is not encouraged. If you'd like to use another source, rather than your noggin', I'd suggest a friend or family member to help you out or a book of sorts. Just no looking for it through a search engine.

"In my ideal world, I would have all ten fingers on my left hand, so my right hand could just be a fist for punching."

Whatch This and Try Not To Cry With Her

I read somewhere that she really was crying and that they had to stop filming because she was so upset. She REALLY got into this song.

Riddle of the Day - July 15, 2011

I am large as a castle, yet lighter than air. 100 men and their horse cannot move me. What am I?

No Cheating! Play fair! Comment below if you know the answer!

I have Returned!

I have returned folks! RandomThinker2 and the riddles are back!

What Else Is There?

Random Cookies

Who loves cookies? JUST ABOUT EVERYONE!!! Well, here is a fantastic, easy cookie recipe made out of CAKE MIX!!!
Take any cake mix... ANY CAKE MIX (I use the Pillsbury brand and usually a chocolate mix, but you could use any flavor you wish to)
add two eggs
1/3 cup of oil
mix it all up (depending on the cake mix it should become a regular cookie dough texture. It should be solid enough for you to mold it)
dump in as much chocolate chips as you want. If you add a lot just know that it'll be difficult to shape the dough and the cookies will be oosy and messy.
You take the dough and roll it into little multiple spheres, like you're playing with play dough.
Place the spheres onto a cookie sheet sprayed over with PAM or some other oil.
Your oven should be preheated to 350 degrees.
Pop the cookie covered pan into the oven for about 8 minutes to 10 minutes and then take them out, let them cool (or not) and ENJOY!!!
You should be able to get 10 to 20 cookies depending on how big you made them.

Steven Spielberg New Movie Joke

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

Comedians' Best Lines, 1997

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

--Larry Miller

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."

--Christopher Case

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

--Ellen DeGeneres

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"

--Jake Johansen

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

--Dick Cavett

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

--A. Whitney Brown

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

--Jon Stewart

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."

--Jack Mayberry

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

--Bruce Baum

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."

--Jeff Stilson

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

--Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

--Rita Mae Brown

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

--Rita Rudner

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

--Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

--David Letterman

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."

--Jay Leno

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."

--Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"

--Jerry Seinfeld

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts 
- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Who Said It- Badges?! We ain't got no badges!...

How To Play:

I give you a quote from a movie and you guess who said it. Either the name of the actor or the name of the character.

Rules:

No cheating. Using Google search engine is not encouraged. If you'd like to use another source, rather than your noggin', I'd suggest a friend or family member to help you out or a book of sorts. Just no looking for it through a search engine.

"Badges? We ain't got no badges! We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinking badges!"

Lawyer Jokes

 A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"


A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."


An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"


A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.


A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."


An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors. The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. And, the third donor is an
attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"
"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer's heart. "It was easy," explained the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."


Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter. St Peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven. He looks at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?" The doctor answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent through. He then looks at the accountant and say, "How many people died in that ship?" Fortunately the doctor had just watched the movie and he answers, "1 500!". St Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, "Name them!"


A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.
The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"


Have you heard they're using lawyers instead of rats in laboratories these days? There are three reasons for this:
1. Lawyers reproduce faster.
2. The scientists don't get attached to the lawyers.
3. A lawyer will do things a rat wouldn't even consider.


A redneck, a preacher, and a lawyer are traveling in a car when it breaks down in front of a farm. They ask the farmer if they could spend the night. The farmer said, "Sure, but my guest room only has room for two. One of you will have to sleep in the barn. The preacher says, "I don't mind being with God's animals. I will sleep in the barn." An hour later, there's a knock on the guest room door. It's the preacher. He says, "I can't stand that noisy chicken. Could I switch with one of you?" The redneck says, "There are always loud animals back in Alabama. I can take it." An hour later, there's a knock on the guest room door. It's the redneck. He says, "I can't stand that smelly cow! Could I switch with one of you?" The lawyer says, "Well, I guess that leaves me." An hour later, there's a knock on the door. It's the chicken and the cow.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.


Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new car.


Q. Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.


Q. Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.


Q. What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A. You always hear about them, but you never see them.



Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Song of the Day- Results week3

Kryptonite by Three Doors Down	2 (50%)
Hold On by Michael Buble	2 (50%)
St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion) by John Parr	2 (50%)
I'm Yours by Jason Mraz	4 (100%)
Tonight Tonight by Hot Chelle Rae	1 (25%)
Let it Bet by Across the Universe	0 (0%)
Burning Love by Elvis Presley	1 (25%)

Twi Jokes

TWILIGHT JOKES!!!!

~Jasper Hale will never be a therapist 

He already knows "how you feel about that" 

~Jacob glared at the kids dressed as vampires for Halloween 
He lied and said he was out of candy. 

~Dear Journal,
Today I made Edward feel that he was in love with Emmett...Again
Later,
Jasper

~Where do the cullens go for a buffet?
The Zoo 

~Edward Cullen bites...pillows 

~I named all my dogs after Jacob and his friends. 

~Bella: You're pale white and ice cold...I know what you are.
Edward: Say it. Say it!
Bella: Vanilla Ice Cream 

How do you stop Jacob Black from attacking you?
You pick up a stick, throw it and yell 'fetch'!

- Why can't people stay angry at Jasper Hale?
He calms them

- Rosalie Hale was told to find something just as or more beautiful then herself.
She came back with a mirror...

- Alice Cullen and the Hulk were on a cruise and the ship sank, and they got trapped on an island, who would win a fight between them?
There would be no fight becasue Alice would have seen the ship sink in her visions and never got on!

-How many Twilighters does it take to screw on a light bulb?
I don't know, they're all too busy fighting over who gets to be Mrs Cullen

-How do you irritate Edward Cullen?
Buy him a dog and call it Jacob!

Jacob got ran over by a reindeer
walking home from Bella’s Christmas eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as Vampires,
but looking now at Edward I believe.

Dear Diary
I would like to...La push...Jacob of a cliff,
love Edward

I am Jacob. Fear me. Woof.

I poured glitter on my boyfriend so that he would look like Edward Cullen.

When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand Edward Cullen!!

jacob got run over by a volvo, walking home from bella's christmas eve. you can say you blame it all on edward, but truth be told, the volvo was driven by me. 

The only bad thing about Edward Cullen is that there is only one!

Chuck Norris wears Alice Cullen pajamas.

 While you were off chasing Edward Cullen, I was finding a REAL man

~Thanks twilight, now if a boy ignores me, I know its only because he's a polite vampire, trying to resist my blood. 

The Smart Blonde

A blonde woman boards an airplane. She is extremely exhausted and just wants to take a nap. She finally finds her seat and sits down next to a very curious young man.

He wants to test the whole dumb blonde thing and possibly make some money out of it. "Hey, wanna play a game?" he asks her. "No thank you, i just want to take a nap." "Please, its really easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that i ask you. If you don't know the answer, then you give me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer to your question, then Ill give you five dollars."

"I really don't want to do this. I just want to take a nap."

"Oh but PLEASE pretty please. Okay, how about if I don't know the answer to your question, I'll give you five hundred dollars." The blonde woman became interested and decided to play the game.

"Okay. How many moons does jupiter have?" the young man asked. The woman reached into her purse and took out a five dollar bill. "What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back down with four?".

The young man, determined not to lose, gets out his laptop and searches all over the internet for an answered. Flustered and confused, the young man hands the blonde five hundred dollars.

After a few minutes, the young man was itching to know the answer to the question."What was the answer to the riddle?" the blonde woman reached into her purse and handed the young man a five dollar bill.

Church Signs

You know those signs out in front of churches with puns and witticisms? Here are church signs that I have seen that stuck with me. 

1. There are some questions that can't be answered by Google.
2. Read the Bible - It will scare the hell out of you.
3. Walmart is not the only saving place.
4. Free coffee, everlasting life. Yes membership has it's privileges.
5. Prayer- wireless access to God with no roaming fee. 
6. Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
7. Don't be so open minded your brains fall out. 
8. If you think it's hot here, imagine hell.
9. Come check out our hot new pastor.
10. God should be our steering wheel, not our spare tire.
11. Whoever's praying for snow please stop!
12. Meth Church .... (It was Methodist with the "odist" part faded and chipped away)
13. Too cold to change sign, message inside.
14. There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY, TRESPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED!" That took care of the problem!
15. No God - No Peace?   Know God - Know Peace.
16. Free Trip to heaven.   Details Inside!
17. For fast, fast, fast relief,   take two tablets.
18. When the restaurant next to another Church put out a sign with big red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
19.  "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are." 
20. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?"
21. "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."
22. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
23. "This is a ch_ _ ch.   What is missing?" ----- (U R)
24. "In the dark?   Follow the Son."
25. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep.   Talk to the Shepherd."