Signs That You Drink Too Much Coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You can't even remember your second cup.

Church Signs

You know those signs out in front of churches with puns and witticisms? Here are church signs that I have seen that stuck with me. 

1. There are some questions that can't be answered by Google.
2. Read the Bible - It will scare the hell out of you.
3. Walmart is not the only saving place.
4. Free coffee, everlasting life. Yes membership has it's privileges.
5. Prayer- wireless access to God with no roaming fee. 
6. Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
7. Don't be so open minded your brains fall out. 
8. If you think it's hot here, imagine hell.
9. Come check out our hot new pastor.
10. God should be our steering wheel, not our spare tire.
11. Whoever's praying for snow please stop!
12. Meth Church .... (It was Methodist with the "odist" part faded and chipped away)
13. Too cold to change sign, message inside.
14. There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY, TRESPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED!" That took care of the problem!
15. No God - No Peace?   Know God - Know Peace.
16. Free Trip to heaven.   Details Inside!
17. For fast, fast, fast relief,   take two tablets.
18. When the restaurant next to another Church put out a sign with big red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
19.  "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are." 
20. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?"
21. "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."
22. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
23. "This is a ch_ _ ch.   What is missing?" ----- (U R)
24. "In the dark?   Follow the Son."
25. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep.   Talk to the Shepherd."